My name is Mole and this is my house. Mummy and daddy live with me too and they’re supposed to look after me, but the service is pretty dire sometimes.
I mean take this morning. I wake up at my usual time of 5.30am, a perfectly reasonable time. First I start with some simple requests such as “Daddy, what you doing?”, followed by a more direct “Daddy, I want to get out”, but am met with silence. I end up resorting to crying at the top of my voice while pulling on the stair gate before anyone comes to get me. I can hear mummy make a sort of groaning noise and daddy say “God, not again”, so I know they’re not asleep. When daddy eventually comes I toddle into their bedroom to commence the morning meeting.
I have a cuddle with mummy first which is quite nice, but she won’t move much or even open her eyes, which gets a bit boring. She is usually feeding Hedgehog too, so it’s quite tricky to get next to her, but I try anyway, by squashing Hedgehog, which never goes down well. Luckily I liven things up by singing songs and getting mummy and daddy to join in with me. I have to keep prodding them because they keep stopping to close their eyes. Then I do my leg exercises, which is where I kick them up and down really fast and flap my arms, but mummy and daddy pull the duvet down tighter, which just really interrupts my flow. Anyone would think they were trying to stop me.
At that point I usually get out of bed to find something else in the room that wants to play with me. Number one on my list is mummy’s phone. I just love it. I’ve worked out the four digit code now that makes it work, and how to get onto YouTube which is where Peppa Pig lives. Mummy keeps the phone away from me now, ever since I changed something in the settings which made the phone use up all its data for the month. I don’t understand what the problem is. I got to watch Peppa Pig which is the main thing, I mean, what else is a phone for?. At length I have to remind them that it’s breakfast time by crawling on their heads until one of them makes it for me. Honestly, if I wasn’t around they’d never do anything.
Mummy puts Hedgehog in the highchair and I sit opposite in my big girls chair. She gives us each a bagel with avocado on it. Hedgehog looks pleased and licks off the avocado. She hasn’t tasted peanut butter yet. I make my whiney noise which is code for “I want”, but mummy just continues doing the washing up. Can’t she understand the urgency? what is washing up next to peanut butter?. Eventually after about an ice age I get my order. Then she brings the juice, but it’s in the wrong cup, it’s ruined.
I get down from my chair and make my full feelings known by crying face down into the carpet in my starfish position. Instead of bringing the correct cup do you know what she does? She just walks off into the bathroom. I follow her in there and she’s sitting on the toilet. What do they do on the toilet I wonder? Still haven’t figured it out. I get a hug though which partly makes up for the tears, what was I crying about again?.
Daddy goes out of the front door and says to mummy “Good luck”. Good luck with what?? I wish he would finish his sentences. Where does he go all day? He just disappears and comes back around dinner time. Maybe it’s the smell of dinner that lures him back. I like climbing onto the window sill and waving at him. It always makes me laugh when he reverses past the house along the road, he is so funny.
After Hedgehog and I’s poohy bum change and dress (during which I am careful to take as long as possible deciding what to wear, before always choosing trousers and a t-shirt, and rejecting all jumpers and socks), Mummy and I do some reading together. She’s good at reading and I test her on all the words. I make sure to tell her “Well done” after each page, because a good teacher gives encouragement. Hedgehog keeps crawling up and grabbing the books. Then when I push her away, mummy tells me off! Hedgehog gets away with anything. Then mummy goes off to do her laundry, putting clothes into the washing machine and then pulling them out, she’s always doing that. I lend her a hand by going upstairs and pulling out all the clothes from the drawers, and then all the make-up and perfumes from mummy’s dresser, because if a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing properly. Mummy says ‘brilliant’ when she comes up, so I know she’s really pleased.
Then we go out to playgroup. It is full of other little people running around in this big hall, while all the mummies set up tables and chairs, and put out lots of toys. These playgroups always have lots of biscuits and I make sure I get at least four. First off I ask mummy a couple of times, in my sweet voice and then in my ‘threatening to throw a wobbly’ voice. After that I manage to grab some from the counter when she’s not looking. If she sees me I can just back hand one to Hedgehog. No-one ever understands how Hedgehog gets the biscuits.
There is a table with loads of glue, glitter and paper on it, which the adults are calling ‘arts and crafts’. I have a fantastic time tipping pots of glue up-side-down and wiping it all on my jumper, until mummy spots me and looks cross. After that there are singsongs in a circle, all my favourites, especially ‘ten green bottles’ which I love because it’s really long, but mummy always looks like she’s trying to hide a yawn. When the mummies are tidying up, I go exploring in the bathroom. There is a long cord in the bathroom with a red handle on it, which looks really inviting to pull on, so I do. A siren alarm sound goes off and everyone in the hall starts running around looking panicked. Perhaps it’s a game of hide-and-seek? This is fun. I toddle back to join the game and for some reason mummy looks very embarrassed, she’s gone all red. We go home soon after that.
Then it’s nap time. I love nap time and spend at least three hours at it. But I always wake up all sweaty with my hair caked to the side of my face and my clothes all wet. I feel a bit weird and wobbly too, a cuddle with mummy on the sofa for half an hour usually sorts that out. It’s the trauma of getting up.
For lunch mummy puts something called ‘spag bol’ in front of me, which looks suspiciously exactly like what we had yesterday. I can always tell when she is fobbing me off with leftovers. I don’t think so. It’s really very simple, chocolate is all I ask for, I make this abundantly clear every day, but they pretend not to understand. It should make shopping easy for them. I suppose I’ll have to settle for a banana, again. Hedgehog eats the ‘spag bol’, sucker.
After lunch I ask for Peppa Pig on the laptop, but mummy says it’s too early for Peppa Pig and insists we go to the swings instead. I know this is not true. It’s never too early for Peppa Pig because she is playing all the time on YouTube. Mummy puts on my sparkly boots so I can go jumping in muddy puddles, which persuades me to go outside. I like to walk as slowly as possible to the swings, stopping to stare at everyone along the way, I find the thousand yard death stare works best. When we get to the swings my favourite thing to go on is the slide (except when it’s wet and mummy forgot to bring the tea towel), followed by the merry-go-round. The best bit is spinning mummy on the merry-go-round, it is very funny.
On the way home it starts raining and mummy walks fast, holding onto my hand. I don’t want to walk that fast but I don’t want to get wet either. When I hold my arms up to be carried she says she can’t carry me because she’s got Hedgehog in the sling. That Hedgehog, she gets in the way of everything. There are some great muddy puddles by the time we get home so I splash in them and get mud all up my front. Mummy says ‘brilliant’ again, so I do it some more.
Daddy comes home and plays hide-and-seek with me. This is my favourite indoor game. I run the length of the house giggling loudly and he never guesses where I’ve hidden, (always the bathroom). I’m very good at hiding. Sometimes I’m so good at it, that I have to give them a clue, so I shout out ‘I’m in the bathrooooooom’.
Then its dinner time, which I love, providing it is mash potato, fish fingers and broccoli, or macaroni cheese. Anything else goes on the floor. They still haven’t taken the hint. After being hosed down at the table, we have our bath. Hedgehog is even better at messy eating than me, her corner of the table is so encrusted with food you would have to take a chisel to it. Mummy has never done this. Bath time is fun but Hedgehog is always trying to climb the taps. We do ‘row row row your boat’ together which makes Hedgehog laugh, but then she always takes it too far and grabs my bath books, that is crossing the line. Mummy and daddy insist I share my stuff with Hedgehog. What a bore.
At bed time I get changed with daddy and then have story time with mummy. Mummy always disappears with Hedgehog first, before coming to me. This is another in a long list of ways in which I have to wait for her to be finished with Hedgehog now. Standards are not what they once were. I make sure my dolls are with me, they like to sleep shoved down the foot end of the bed, along with my water flask. After mummy goes downstairs I often wonder what they do all evening, so sometimes I ask them. “Daddy, what you doing?, daddy you watching football? Mummy you drinking wine juice?”. They never reply.